Shit I've Learned Over The Years (or, Murphy's Laws of Everyday Operations)

There's this thing going around called, "Hacks" - life hacks to make your every day life easier, iPhone hacks to make navigating your electronic devices easier, etc - and yet there's nothing that gathers all the Shit I've Learned into one spot. Here's my version so far:

- when you're in a hurry, you will follow someone doing the speed limit (or under) and hit every red light between where you start and your destination. Everyone says, "well then, leave earlier!" Sometimes it's not possible to do that, especially when you have children to wrangle out the door. Or when there's frost (or snow) on your car and you need that extra 10 minutes to clear it so you can actually see to drive. Or when you consistently forget something (like your phone or purse or list) and have to go back to get it. And that's usually why you're in a hurry.

- when you owe the government money - ANY government from municipal to federal - you will be charged interest from the SECOND you are found delinquent. This means that you will need to pay them an extra $5 minimum when you make your payment otherwise you'll be paying interest on the interest until you can catch up. However, when they owe YOU money, they will add on interest (at a lower interest rate than they charge you) and take their sweet time sending it to you. This means you will not get it in time to pay bills like you were expecting, and then you'll get dinged for an NSF charge for when the payments can't go through (see next).

- when you end up getting automatic payments out of your account, if you end up going NSF, the bank will whack you with a $45-50 charge each time something bounces, even if the lower-cost of the items would have cleared. So, let's say two NSF charges hit, one for $450 and one for $35. If the $35 item had gotten posted first, it would be fine, but because the higher one posted first, it threw you into NSF, and then the next one added to it. So, instead of clearing one and then only paying ONE NSF fee, you're paying TWO and throwing back TWO posted items. When you call the bank (or credit union) to explain this, they will be very polite and say something along the lines of, "Well we can't do anything about it because the company who requested the funds asked for it on that day and we post as soon as it comes through." So, they will not only tell you they couldn't do anything about it, but that it's the company's fault. When you call the company, they will tell you it's the bank's fault for posting it when they did. And then THEY'LL ding you for a returned-cheque fee, which will be added onto the next payment.

- when you're pregnant, your unborn child will come early so you can't attend a fancy event. Trust me. Happened twice. Never make plans within 2 weeks of your due date either way. Just won't happen.

- when you're a parent, your child will get sick so you can't attend a party, special event, or even go out to a movie. Never make plans when you're a parent because it just won't happen.

- Karma works. Seriously - when you cut someone off in traffic, then you'll get cut off at least twice before you get home. When you were a kid, remember all that shit you did? Your kids will do that to you - only worse and all the time. When you were childless and you looked at that Mom and had those thoughts in your head, "Man, just control your kid, can't you?" - your kid will throw the mother-of-all-tantrums in the middle of WalMart and you'll get all those looks too. When you told your friend who just lost her pregnancy that, "Everything happens for a reason," just HOPE that someone won't be throwing those words back in your face.

- Karma works. When you do something nice for someone just because you can, you will get something nice done for you when you need it most.